Bobbi Jo pushed him off her and said, “You know I hate it when you talk that trash. It’s not Christian.”
“Aside from the kids, there’s nothing I love more than getting it on with my little minx.”
“Conrad, that is disgusting,” Bobbi Jo said, trying not to smile.
“Bobbi Jo, lately you been sleeping as far away from me as possible. What’s wrong, honey pie? You still mad at me?”
His wife kept her back toward him and was silent. “Is it because of the church thing?” No response.
Irving and Sadie were perched on either side of the bed but Irving kept slipping off.
“Move over,” Irving told Conrad. Conrad didn’t know why, but he moved over to be closer to Bobbi Jo. Or so he thought. Irving put his feet up and stretched out.
“You know, Sadie,” Irving said, “it’s all well and good to watch a marriage come apart at the seams but it doesn’t rate all that high in entertainment value.”
“I know,” Sadie said, “It’s a bissel depressing. Can’t we spice things up? Assist them in some way?”
“Well,” Irving said, “I’m no shrink but in most ways, they seem to make a good pair.”
“Yup, they both like Hellmann’s on white bread, with or without ham.”
Irving looked confused.
Sadie added, “It’s a metaphor.”
“Oh.” Irving went on. “It’s just this God thing that’s the big stumbling block and I just don’t see how they can get past it since it’s such a major issue for both of them.”
“True,” said Sadie. “It’s not like leaving the cap off the toothpaste or your underwear on the bedroom floor.”
“Would you have stayed married to Manny if you and he weren’t both Jewish and had similar backgrounds?”
“Nah, it’s just too hard. Someone’s gotta give in that situation.”
“I don’t see either one of them backing down,” Irving said.
“Well, we have to do something. I find I’m not really into voyeurism for its own sake.”
“But without inspiration from Number One, we’re really just whistling in the dark,” Irving said.
Conrad spoke up, “Bobbi Jo, as long as you’re not in the mood, I have something to tell you.”
“What now?” Sadie said. Irving shrugged.
“What now?” Bobbi Jo echoed her.
“I don’t want to inconvenience you, but I’ve been thinking for some time, that I’d like to try a meat-free diet.”
“Is he kidding?” Sadie said. “Couldn’t he have waited for things to simmer down before adding more explosives?”
“I cannot believe what I’m hearing.” Bobbi Jo sat up and turned the light back on. “Where is all this coming from? You’ve been sleeping in this bed for seven years, and I don’t know you. You sound to me like you’ve begun speaking in tongues. First your heathen preoccupation that our Lord, who died on the cross for our sins and our salvation, is a fraud and a figment of our imagination and now this. Don’t I have enough to deal with with you not wanting to go to church anymore and the kids asking me if Daddy hates God?” She paused to catch her breath. “Since when do good Christian Americans not eat meat? Are you becoming a Buddhist or Lord have mercy, one of those Hindus with the turbans?”
“Bobbi Jo, no, no, of course not, no. It’s nothing like that. It’s…”
“Then what? What is all this crazy talk? Why would you even think of such a thing? I could go all week and all month without thinking such thoughts.”
The ghosts on either side of the two sentient beings exchanged glances. “I believe she could,” Sadie said.
“He’s no Albert Einstein either,” Irving said.
“Well, God Almighty, Bobbi Jo, there’s a lot of reasons,” Conrad said.
Mazel Tov on being a published author.
Al