Razi shifted her position. Too much conjecture. Too much analyzing could corrupt the truth. Her life had been what it was. And that was that. She had loved her father, and he had loved her. He had been good in so many ways and weak in others. She had wanted the love of her mother and brother but that had been impossible. They had been incapable of love because an important piece of their emotional makeup had been denied them. Born without it. So maybe it hadn’t been their fault. Maybe the only thing that was important was how Razi reacted right now, in the present. She couldn’t bring Chaim back but she could imbue his memory with grace. She could give him the benefit of the doubt and mourn the spark of light within him that had constantly suffered black-outs. And she could pray that he would find the light within the world that he now lived. She could also let the anger go. Another sigh as she reached up to brush the dirt from his name plate. She would have to get a head stone, she thought and etch on it the particulars of the man she had never really known, a man whose only friend turned out to be the angel of death.
Razi shuddered, then got to her feet, an awkward movement. Had never been nicknamed Grace but at least now she had an excuse. She must be getting old. Going to be 56 her next birthday. A small smile played across her face. She anticipated it. Was even excited about it. There would be a family party. A normal family, one that didn’t go out of its way to invent dysfunction. And she realized just how lucky she was. Yes, her life was truly blessed.
Razi looked at the stone and considered leaving it on the grave site, a tradition practiced by her father’s people, the people that had legally become her people so many years ago. It would be a reminder that someone had visited the grave. But somehow she couldn’t part with the stone. It had been a gift from Chaim. Maybe, not given with the best of intentions but nevertheless, he had given it to her and she would keep it as a reminder of the brother she had wished he could have become. Tomorrow she would return and finish cleaning off the grave that she had avoided visiting for the past two months. She glanced at her watch realizing that time was running out. She had an appointment with her mother’s doctor at the care center. She would have to make some decisions, she knew. Would have to decide if she wanted to take an active role in her mother’s life. She really didn’t want to but she knew that she would. She knew that she would have to try to redeem some spark of light from the situation. She was her mother, after all. She had given her life and Razi would hold onto it.
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